Captain’s Log – Isle of Manliness

Sometimes I tell people that I used to be funny until I married my husband. Then I became the straight man to his comedy show. While I’m mostly sort of kind of joking, it’s true that Aaron has a special kind of humor. Mostly he just shares it with friends and family, but every now and then he goes the extra step and writes it out for me. This is what was waiting for me when I got home from a recent trip with the kids. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Captain’s Log

Year of Our Lord 2019, Seventh Month, 17^th day

Today the Queen Matron is embarking on a journey to a remote base in the bass-ackwards state of Tennessee.  She will be taking all of the junior shipmates on the journey with her.  I am excited about the island of manliness the domicile is about to become.

Day 1

The Queen Matron would like to leave by 8 AM sharp so as to arrive at the temporary quarters at a reasonable hour and in time for the evening rations.  I have awoken her at 6 AM so as to give her plenty of time to pack and load the crew.

I have been rather harshly reminded that I was asked to be awoken at 6:30 AM.  The Queen Matron has resumed her slumber. 

Not wanting to risk future wrath, at PRECISELY 6:30 the Queen Matron is roused from her peaceful rest and plied with coffee. 

A short time later the young crew has been roused from their bunks as well.  The chaotic turmoil of leaving for such a prolonged endeavor has commenced.

After many hugs, smooches, and potty warnings the crew is headed off on their adventure. 

I miss them.  My crew has been gone for less than 30 min when I ring the Queen Matron’s mobile device.  They are not yet out of the home territory.  What is to become of me? 

I continue the normally scheduled workday, but I know that there is no one at home to return to.  My heart is low for the majority of the day.

The Queen Matron sends me a selfie that she takes at a potty stop with her and the crew.  LG is riding shotgun, so close to being a teenager and acting like it, she is wearing her mom’s sunglasses.  The Kyd is grinning from ear to ear, in the middle seat so she can be a huge help when called upon. Blondie is striking a pose from the back seat because she is fancy, and Spiff is…picking his nose?  I don’t really know what he is doing.

My typical workday ends with putting candy in my pocket to bring home to the young crew.  It’s small bribery but I am very popular upon my return to the domicile.  Today I merely glare at the candy jar on my desk like it has something to do with my family being away.

I decide to stop in at a friendly vendor instead of driving straight home.  He chuckles at my hesitancy and wishes me luck at the quiet and empty tomb of a house.

My favorite part of the day!  Dinner.  The crew does not like seafood and Queen Matron does not particularly like steak.  Dinner is a T-bone, topped with crabmeat, slathered in béarnaise sauce.  It is AWESOME!  I even have a beer at the table.  (Pabst Blue Ribbon, because I’m living my best life.)

The silence in the domicile is deafening.  I find that I much prefer laughter and cries, cartwheels and ninja kicks.

I should probably go to bed early, but instead, the Captain binge-watches Netflix shows that the Queen Matron does not like. Game of Thrones, baby!  It is a very late night. 

Day 2

My alarm seems to have gone off early.  No, it hasn’t but the Captain is very tired.  Also, I am slightly dehydrated and I have a headache. 

With no one to help make breakfast or doctor their coffee, I am ready for work with surprising ease.  This is a plus side to the family being away.

There is something inside my sock that is incredibly annoying.  I feel it whenever I walk.

Update:  It is a sparkly bead of glitter.  Because, of course it is.  Blondie is 600 miles away and still sabotaging my footwear.

In a call from Queen Matron, I have learned that Spiff fell in the pool today.  He was not wearing his float and sank quickly to the bottom of the pool.  Queen Mantron, his Aunt B and LG were close at hand, but the Captain still feels that perhaps pools are unsafe.

Blondie texts me out of the blue (using the Queen Matrons phone) to say she misses me and 11 heart emojis.  She is forgiven for the glitter incident.

It figures, the day I decide to wear my work shoes with a small hole in the sole, it rains.  My socks are soaked.  I feel like a hobo.

Tonight I have somewhere between 6-12 people coming over for a Bible study.  I don’t want them thinking that I am an actual hobo, so I clean the house. 

This is taking much longer than expected, the Queen Matron usually has this done before I return from my daily workings. She’s like an actual Cinderella. I now have 15 minutes to make dinner for 12.

The house was in slight disarray but the people have left feeling welcome and having learned about the taking of Jericho.  Success?

I once again have decided to watch the tv shows that Queen Matron doesn’t like.  The Walking Dead anyone?!?

Dang it!  It is now 2 AM, again.  6 AM is a very short time away…

Day 3

Yep.  6 AM came pretty quick.  The commissary is well stocked with coffee.  Thank you, Jesus.

I have found that my work boots have a pair of old socks shoved into them.  There is a slight tinge of an odor to them.  I would like to place blame on the crew, but it turns out that I am just a hobo.

Locking the doorknob lock behind me I head out to my work conveyance.  The family canines are locked outside due to their inability to “not tear stuff up.”  They are very sad.

Dang it again!  Unfortunately, I was distracted this AM and my truck keys are now sitting on the bathroom counter.  Inside the locked domicile.

The canines are ecstatic!  Daddy is back!  There is much excitement and jumping and licking and tail wagging.  I will have to get into the house through the dog door.  Fortunately, doggy doors for 70-pound dogs are fairly large. 

Oh dear.  The canines are still excited to see me and Big Dum Red Dog has decided to join me in my journey through the dog door. 

My arms are trapped between the mongrel and the opening, and wiggling into the house is proving more difficult than I initially thought.  I start to panic.

The Black Widow has decided that this looks like fun and she has joined us in our adventure through the dog door.  I have concerns about my work clothes.

Dog doors are not made for a full-grown Captain and two full-grown canines.  I am not amused. There is great remorse for leaving my keys on the bathroom counter.

I receive a phone call from the crew.  They are going to the zoo today.  They are 600 miles away, so I assume that Spiff will fall into the lion cage and the rest of the crew will be mauled by orangutans.

Throughout the day, the crew plays with bears, pandas, and hippos.  500 people are killed by hippos a year.  I fear the worst.

It’s Friday!  Fire up the grill!  The Captain has an excellent dinner planned.  I have decided to stuff jalapeno peppers with a Cajun delicacy, boudain, top it with a shrimp, and wrap all of it in thick-cut butcher’s bacon.  The meal is amazeballs.  Can I say amazeballs?  It’s the Captain’s logbook.  He does what he wants.

Dang.  Having gorged myself on my feast, the Captain has fallen asleep on the couch. 

After a brief nap, I am now awake again.  Netflix at 11 AM is now on the agenda.

Sigh…It’s 3 AM.  Stupid tv.  I should sleep.

Day 4

My alarm goes off at 7 AM this morning.  My crew is returning today.  I have noticed over the last few days that there are surprisingly fewer cartwheels and Super Gecko Muscles when the crew is away.  The house is lesser for that.  Happy day!

The early hour is not too bad.  I am scheduled to meet my sister, Slim Shady, and her daughters at the Farmer’s Market in a nearby village.

The Farmer’s Market is awesome.  We actually arrive before it is open but there is already a line in front of the bagel place.  The Captain likes bagels as much as the next person, but I am not waiting 30 min in line in the 98-degree Texas sun for one.

Shopping with Slim Shady is an interesting experience.  Her daughters, Fancy Pants and Red Shyness are great.  Slim Shady likes to take her time and chat with Every. Single. Vendor.  This slows the trip down considerably.

The canines are left outside while I go to the Farmer’s Market.  Upon my return, I let them back inside.  Big Dum Red Dog has decided that he does not like the outside water bowl.  He greatly appreciates the cool porcelain of the toilet water and spends two to three minutes indulging in the crisp, clean water of our human waste disposal site. 

After several hours of working outside in the yard, I hear the canines baying at the front windows.  The crew has returned!

Unfortunately, I am soaked with sweat and the crew does not really desire to give me hugs. 

The Isle of Manliness had its perks, but it is wonderful to have the crew back at our domicile.  They are back under my protection.  This is a weight off my shoulders.